Jokes
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." - Bob Hope.
- If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have ?
- Someone else's coat.
- Why did your sister feed money to her cow?
- Because she wanted to get rich milk.
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
A woman was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang. She threw on her towel and went to the door. Dave, a poker buddy of her husband’s was there. He looked at her in her towel for a minute and whispered “I’ll give you $500 right now if you take of your towel for just 10 seconds! That’s $50 a second!” She thought about it a second, and then took off her towel. He smiled, gave her the money and walked away. When she walked back into the bedroom, her husband asked “Was that Dave? Did he bring the $500 he owed me?”
"It's weird, though, 'cause this is my first time job and everything, but I could've sworn I was making more money in college just working for my parents as their daughter." - Melanie Reno.
- Why do wallets make so much noise?
- Because money talks.
The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over.
I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me!
Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.
Dave has been a cheap tight-wad his whole life.
His family gathers around him as he lies on his death bed.
Dave peers up at them and asks, “Is everybody here? Where’s Bessie?”
“I’m here.” his wife says.
“The kids?”
“We’re here, Dad” they reply.
“Don’t worry Dave, everybody’s here.” Bessie reassures him.
Dave jumps up in bed and yells, “Well, if everybody’s here then why is the light on in the kitchen?!”
The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.
He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
